I hate April Fool's Day.
Every year on this day the internet becomes a minefield of misinformation. I feel like I miss a whole day of actual news because webmasters feel the need to engage in "look how clever I am" nonsense.
You can be certain that I'll never do anything like that. So in the spirit of dissent, I will now list 10 true things about myself. You can take these to the bank, my friends:
10. In the summer of 1995, I joined two friends in a cross-country hitchhiking trek. We hitched rides from southern Minnesota all the way to Seattle, then down the west coast to Pismo Beach, California. The journey took about one month. After one of my friends departed for home, my other companion and I stayed in Pismo Beach for another month, camping out each night and living off of the money I made drawing caricatures for tourists on the local pier.
9. I have only struck one person in anger in my life and I still feel guilty about it. I was maybe 10 or 11 years old and I was at the local arcade with my friend Joe. We were playing our usual favorites, losing quarters like idiots. I was doing particularly badly playing "Karate Champ" and Joe was watching. Watching and laughing. And he wouldn't stop. He just kept ridiculing my mediocre performance at the joysticks. I'm ashamed to say that my frustration bubbled over and I struck in in the throat, "Karate Champ"-style. He crumpled over in pain. I'll never forget the look on his face. It stays with me to this day. Sorry, Joe. If it's any consolation, I've never hit anyone else in my life.
8. I didn't own a bed from 1995 until 1999, when the joining Air Force finally forced me to sleep in one. I slept on the floor for four years. It might have something to do with my bad back.
7. When I was about 10 years old I lost my house keys on the way back from the local pool. It was on a large ring and I foolishly placed it on the 10-speed controls of my bike as I rode home. It fell off somewhere between the pool and my house. My Mom was furious and made me re-trace my path until I found them. It was one of the best life lessons she ever taught me and I carry it with me to this day.
6. I've never been in a car accident. But I was side-swiped by a large deer on my way home from work one snowy Minnesota night. The beast hit my driver-side door so hard that it created a large, concave dent in the door and pushed my car off course, nearly sending it into the ditch.
5. I adopted my cat Yoshi on October 31st, 2003 and the woman running the PetSmart adoption program almost didn't let me have him that day because some people will adopt cats on Halloween for sacrificial purposes. Luckily, I convinced her that I had no such plans.
4. I saw "The English Patient" in the theater 7 times and the poster for that film hangs over my computer on the wall as I type this. I completely understand if this fact makes you question my credentials as a storyteller, but I stand by my love for the film.
3. I loved the six weeks I spent in Air Force Basic Training and the 6 months of Technical Training afterward. It was one of the best times of my life. As with the four years spent in high school, it was a life changing, blissful experience and I feel sorry for people who didn't enjoy it as much as I did.
2. I have a strong memory of sitting on the edge of a ferry in the Puget Sound when I was 3 years old. I remember almost falling over the side and my mother scolding me for nearly killing myself. I don't know if this memory is of a real event, but whenever I'm near large bodies of water it bubbles to the surface and a chill runs up my spine.
1. My wife is the best person I know. She will help anyone in need. Anyone. One night last year we were at Safeway in the pet food aisle. I was looking through the dog food choices and turned to say something to her only to find that she wasn't there. She had walked down the aisle to help a woman in a wheelchair reach something on the top shelf. I was so taken by this that I whipped out my iPhone and took a picture. Five minutes later, after conversing with this complete stranger about God knows what, she returned to her life. This is what she does; she makes friends with everyone, she helps complete strangers, she has the ability to change lives for the better in the span of five minutes. My wife is the best person I know.
-Otis